The other day I happened to have the TV on in my office and The Fashion Police was on. The hosts of the show were critiquing the celebrities at the SAG awards. I kept hearing that it was an absolute must to wear shapers under their dresses. I had to look up from my desk when I realized it was Kelly Osbourne of all people who said so. Although I did not own any as yet, I could certainly understand the necessity for wearing them under close fitting clothes which are easier on the eye when they are worn with a smooth fit. “Shapers”! It sounds like just an ego-salving term for a girdle. Or is it? I remember when girdles were worn to hold up stockings before pantyhose were invented. They were very annoying. The waist elastic would roll over when you sat and sometimes the crotch would ride down when you walked. Then they invented control top pant hose which pretty much felt the same way. You see, its’s all about physics to me. If you push a bulge in one direction, won’t it eventually billow out in another? Like squeezing a balloon that is low on air. I hated the control top pantyhose with the control in the thighs because where the control ended, there was always a bump on your thigh. I’d rather do sit-ups.

Today I found myself trying to solve an undergarment dilemma. First of all, you must know that I am forever on a quest for things that don’t exist except for in my mind. That is just the way I roll. I have a long sleeve black very close-fitting top which is not sheer by any means but is a light enough weight knit that you can slightly see through it. It has an asymmetrical neckline which causes it to slide down one shoulder just a tad. I won’t wear a camisole under it because I don’t like straps that show. But a strapless bra would not provide midriff coverage and would look kind of tacky for the event. So I set out on a mission to find the perfect undergarment. I tried on a strapless, long-line bra at Macy’s but it was full of stays and boning and it created a bulge below it where I didn’t even have one before. (I think in this case it would be called a muffin bottom). I couldn’t wait to get out of it and almost went into a panic trying to unhook all of the hooks. I decided to try Victoria’s Secret reluctantly for fear that they would only have the lace-up variety which wasn’t quite what I was going for. And then it dawned on me that I was probably looking for a “shaper”! I found the section of the store that looked like it might have something to offer and snatched a strapless bra and a bra with a dress-length shaper attached and was led to a dressing room. Well, the bra was great….a keeper. But the other thing? I couldn’t get it over my head because my shoulders wouldn’t go through it and I couldn’t step into it and pull it up because it was way too tight. I tried a couple of times but I was afraid of getting stuck in it and having to ask for help to get out of it so I abandoned it altogether….and I’m a small person. I finally asked the sales associate for help and she led me to the long-lines like I had tried on at Macy’s. “Can’t do it!”, I said. She then showed me this very high waisted little panty shaper thing that came in regular or thong and I tried it on with the strapless bra. The top tucked right under the bra and what I had was a nice, smooth, strapless shaper! My quest DID exist even if I had to create it myself….cause that is just the way I roll. It didn’t even create a bulge where it ended but if it had it would have just added to my breast volume anyway so who cares?